When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
