She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
