Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
