I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
