I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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