so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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