He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
