clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
