So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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