she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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