Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
