I accidentally burped into my bong.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize