saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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