Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
