I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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