Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
