I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
