I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
