as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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