Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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