So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
