the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
