i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize