People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
