You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
