it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
