who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
