Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
