I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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