So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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