and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
