wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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