I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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