I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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