the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
