Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
