My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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