Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
