Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
