Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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