Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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