you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
