It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
