omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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