when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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