Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
