What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
