I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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