Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
