No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
