We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
