i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
