apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
