I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize