if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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